Abandon It, and They Will Come
It is a tale as old as time itself. As long as there is a vacant building returning to the ground it once proudly stood on, there will be empty beers within. Eager sixteen- and seventeen-year-old kids grasping at any chance they can get to have a little fun at the law’s expense. Of course, this includes alcohol.
I envy these children, too. I never had the stones to go in an abandoned building at night and indulge in cheap booze. It might as well be the nectar of the gods to them. Even in the darkest of corners in the basements of places we are scared to think about, one will always find the remnants of a crumpled can of suds. Today, I am listing the top 5 abandoned building beers.
Number 5 – Keystone Light
These are the people you cannot trust. The people that most likely owe somebody money. The type of person who never fully understood why the soul patch went out of style. This type of individual has a wardrobe full of wife-beaters, all stained with the remains of their succulent Keystone Light.
Don’t get me wrong, though. You absolutely want to explore abandoned buildings with this person. The person guzzling down a tall boy of Keystone Light in the basement of an abandoned psychiatric ward fears no man and no spirit. They will make sure you are danger before they are. Their selfless asses. They will take one last sip of their beer before going headfirst at whatever danger lies ahead.
The abandoned Keystone Light is the mark of a man with a wild story to tell, and you can be damn sure his friends are fully captivated. I hope everyone has a Keystone Light fanatic in their life.
Number 4 – Pabst Blue Ribbon
The abandoned Pabst Blue Ribbon is a sign someone needed to get away from their family for a bit. It could be his wife is mad at him and he is blowing off some steam alone. His local dive was not dong it anymore and he decided the empty, crumbling house that was foreclosed on decades ago would suffice. It could be that his kids have been hopped up after their afternoon nap and he needed a quick breather. Maybe it was a long day of work, and the meatloaf he just made did not seem as appetizing as a nice cold PBR. A liquid dinner simply sounded better.
All that being said, the abandoned Pabst Blue Ribbon is the hardest worker you will ever meet. Mentally, he is a rock. A foot soldier. A grinder. He is up in the early hours pushing his boulder, knowing tomorrow it will be right back at the bottom. He works hard to provide. The Pabst Blue Ribbon has earned a couple hours in that abandoned health hazard. Chances are, he has probably had a few too many and is looking at the dimensions of the place, wondering if just maybe he could fix this place up.
The abandoned and crumpled PBR is the leftovers of a person desperate for a 2-hour couch nap while simultaneously looking for the next big challenge.
Number 3 – Budweiser
Usually found in either an 8oz. can or a 16oz., you will immediately feel an overwhelming sense of patriotism when you see it. The Bud Light’s older brother. At number three, we have Budweiser.
If you saw tire tracks from a Ford F-150 on your way in, you can anticipate a few Budweiser cans lying around. Chances are, they had a gun with them. You can rest assured if anything dangerous was lurking around the buildings, they took care of it. This beer is often found next an empty tin of grizzly mint. Long cut of course.
The abandoned Budweiser cans tell a hilarious story, most likely painting the lines between legal and illegal. It is all laughs and smiles for miles. This beer, like the PBR, is a family beer. Whether it be a Sunday Barbeque with your family, or an illegal fire in the courtyard of an abandoned castle with your friends, Budweiser will be there.
Number 2 – Mike’s Harder
The runner-up to the abandoned buildings beer is actually not a beer at all, but it does bring a tear to my eye. Not only is this drink as numerous as the number one, it signifies something entirely more special.
The Mike’s Harder tall boy reveals a certain loss of innocence. Some kid has taken the first steps to becoming a man with that Mike’s Harder. Surely, but slowly. Him and his friends have been planning this soiree for weeks now, and the time has finally come. These kids took two sips and pretended to be drunker than they were; nevertheless, they were grinning ear to ear. They argue over who is braver and are terrified when they go down to the basement to impress the one girl there. They were not ready for a beer and have no clue that beer itself tastes absolutely nothing like that. In fact, if Mike’s Harder was a beer, it would probably be number 1.
Around every corner is a flattened Mike’s Harder, usually lemonade or grape. Around that corner is a kid who will one day make the tough decision and move on to the other four in this ranking.
Number 1 – Natural Light
Coming in at number one is the beer that outnumbers them all. Some say there are more flattened Natural Light tall boys than there are grains of sand on the Earth. Some argue that Bill Gates saw his first million when he started going into abandoned buildings and cashing in on all the empties. God told Abraham that his descendants would one day number the amount of discarded Natural Light cans. ‘Natty Daddy’s’ are like stars in the sky – they are everywhere if you look hard enough
The abandoned Natural Light is the poor man’s liquid gold. Occasionally found for 99 cents, it is no wonder these beers are found in the furthest corners of abandoned buildings. The crushed, empty can is a good indicator that a couple of college students didn’t have anything better to do that night. I would be a dirty rotten hypocrite to pretend that wasn’t me on a night or twenty.
Behind every abandoned Natural Light can is a champion trying to save a buck, and in this day and age, can anyone blame them?
Honorable Mention
Think of this one like a participation trophy. It hangs around just as much as the others, but this isn’t any ordinary drink. This is the substitute drink for the person who normally drinks Keystone Light after they have had a bad day. They need something that packs a punch. They are a tough to spot due to their nature, and they certainly get the job done.
The Fireball Nip felt like my responsibility to mention because it is something I always notice. If you call it a shooter, I envy you. I have always thought that was a much cooler name.
The Sleeper
A truly terrifying sight to see. Not found too often, and when it is, you sleep better knowing that whatever evil in that building has been vanquished. It is one of those situations where you are not trapped in there with demon, the demon is trapped in there with you.
It is the infamous Four Loko that breaks the conventional rules of exploring abandoned buildings. While it is okay to have a couple, finishing a Four Loko in a building that has been condemned decades earlier is a scary thought. The unpredictability of the person that knows what that final sip tastes like is a man that fears nothing. They put their well-being on the chopping block of life and leave it up to a power entirely out of this world while performing the most reckless acts. While admirable, do not get caught by the law with this person. You will surely wake up in a cold, dark jail cell.