I’ve learned many things during my time in the ‘Nil Sine Numine’ state. The oxygen is lacking, the folks are kind, and the homeless people are hotter per capita. As learned in the last post, Lime scooters helped me get where I needed to be, when I needed to be. And those places I needed to be are the fantastic bars Colorado Springs has to offer.
Saturday night rolls around and a tough decision is ahead in the windshield: where shall I frequent tonight? In the rearview is my mistakes from last week, but that windshield paints an entirely different picture ahead. This Picasso-esque piece has a Voodoo Ranger (9.5%), a few tequila sodas and maybe a shot of Cuervo Gold that will have mind looking like the ‘Battle of Guernica’. Below are the places I want to fight these battles.
Trainwreck
No better place to leave a trainwreck than at the ‘Trainwreck’. This place is a Buffalo Wild Wings on steroids. On top of great wings, it has golf simulators, beach volleyball, and a personal favorite that tickles the interior decorator side of me – high ceilings. The TVs are as vast as the ocean and for some odd reason keep showing New York teams winning playoff games. Oh someone is on the cornhole boards right now? Guess what – there are 6 more to entertain.
I ordered a quick app of jalapeño poppers just to feed the soul. Samantha rolled up to our table with 6 enormous eggrolls filled with a cornucopia of jalapeños, sour cream, and I want to say a fine pepperjack cheese. Read the fine print, ladies and gentlemen. Europeans have every right to be disgusted in our food culture. But if you do happen to find yourself at ‘Trainwreck’, get yourself some poppers, shoot a 107 at Pebble Beach, and make damn sure to tip your waiters and waitresses.
Mother Muffs
This spot has a special home in my heart. While the food is top notch, the clientele is why I go back, regardless of the hangover it produces. You’re an Avalanche fan? Free shot. First time in Colorado? Free shot. You agreed with me on the socioeconomic policies undermining the working class that will inevitably cause the devastation of Western civilization? Free shot. And guess what Al, I fucking lied to you for that free shot. Home of the brave isn’t going anywhere.
It has pool, trivia, and most importantly, great beer. Their selection is as wide as their smiles. If you ever find yourselves there on a Wednesday, look for a fella by the name of Seth Wohlers. There aren’t enough people like him in this world. The type of guy to not only take the shirt of his back for you in the dead of a Colorado winter, but he will encourage you to take his shoes as well. Then he will run an easy 10k home. Now enough of the glaze!
Gasoline Alley
While this bar here belongs in Nashville, I’m beyond grateful it is in Colorado Springs. Three floor means three separate opportunities to make a fool of yourself. ‘Gasoline Alley’ offers a rooftop overlooking the main strip. If you catch the rooftop on the right day, you are guaranteed a live look of a homeless person getting sturdy. And while they might sway and stumble, I promise they are sturdy.
Their basket of fingers and fries put other places to shame. You know the place is solid when you can watch the chef operate. Not only is he sweating for the patrons, but he is chopping it up with them as makes tenders that Gordon Ramsey only wishes he dabble in. This bar not only employs the best, but they also look the best. Would I like a glass of Pendleton Whisky on the rocks while analyzing the original gas pumps off Route 66? Let me answer that with a question: are d**ks in g*y p*rn?
Tony's
When I get back to New York, I will dream of the day I return here. The Rangers won here. The Yankees won here. And by the hand of a higher power, even the New York Knicks won here. There were mullets, broken soap dispensers, and Asperger’s running rampant. As an honest man writing to honest people, I will say this: I couldn’t get enough of Tony’s.
Their food is dirt cheap, and their portions are beyond generous. It isn’t the type of menu that will have you flipping through it like Ayn Rand’s, ‘Anthem’. One flip of a laminated menu and you know what you’re in for. And while you wait, take a gander around. You won’t be disappointed, especially if you’re a Green Bay Packers fan. Aside from their shrine to that football team, they have three pool tables surrounded by hundreds of cool decorations that gives Tony’s an upper ambience uncontested most bars in the area.
En Fin
For all those who might one day find themselves in Colorado Springs, promise me you will get yourself to these 4 bars. I have given you a roadmap to a good time. However, don’t try and tackle all these gifts to society in one day. Spread them out and enjoy each single one separately as if they were fresh oysters off the coast of Rhode Island. You wouldn’t eat them all in one mouthful, would you? And if you hate good people, great food, and a fantastic vibe, then avoid them at all costs.