Following the conclusion of the Summer 2028 Olympics, I have returned to watching old re-runs of Castle and anticipating an impromptu unretirement of Tom Brady (if not this Fall, definitely the next). Meanwhile, Paris can give up their cute charade and start treating any foreigner that doesn’t pronounce their words like they have a jawbreaker in their mouth like shit again. And I’m sure the board of the 2028 Olympics is working on a phallic disgrace of Christ’s crucifixion to kick things off. Maybe Stations of the Cross and they are all furries. But what about the sports?
It is no mystery that addition of many different events – karate, surfboarding, skateboarding, to name a few – people are wondering what else they might throw in the ring for a shot at the gold. Thumb wrestling should get a nifty little spot. Parkour in a city like Prague or somewhere else that sounds like it has weird angular buildings could be a fan favorite. Those boulders that smack each other’s melons with the force an oncoming 18-wheeler can stay far away in the depths of Dana White’s Vegas. But my vote? Good ol-fashioned American bull riding.
In 2028 and Beyond
I will be writing a letter everyday similar to Andy Dufresne’s in Shawshank Redemption. That’s two references in two blogs. How do you like that? In these letters, I will be petitioning the board of the 2028 Olympics denoting my desire to include bull riding in their events. I will offer recommendations of riders, clowns, and announcers. I will use words like “please”, “thank you”, and “if not responded to within 3 business days I will kill mys-“. All enticements sure to elicit a response.
Predictions for 2028
United States of America
Charlie Hayes, Dustin Martinez, and Pokey Houghton will be placing gold, silver, and bronze in no particular order. It will all depend on the first names of the women they spent the night before with. Their performance will be familiar to the American likes of Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James in Miami circa 2012.
Brazil
They will no doubt be our fiercest competitor. Truth be told, they would find their way on the podium sinking their teeth into one of those three earthly metals. They grew up bull riding the way I grew up coloring outside of the lines – often. Brazilians dominate across America now and I’m sure they would take those talents to LA in 2028.
France
Not only would LA now have bed bugs, but they would also be getting a misrepresentation of the red, white, and blue. All jokes aside, I actually admire the French and am on Section 2, Unit 11 in Duolingo for their sexy language. I think their hatred for other nations would fuel their ride to the top of charts and just might give them a shot.
Russia
If they replaced the bulls with polar bears and Gatorade with Sambuca, Russia would eat and leave no crumbs. But that is not the case, and they will fall to the bottom of the ranks. Afterwards, the world would face impending nuclear warfare.
United Arab Emirates
One solid gold Maserati and the finest cut of chuck from one of their brethren later, these bulls would be spoon feeding this country their own gold. A gold medal, that is. The bulls get a field of petroleum, and the riders get a smooth ride to the top. All is fair in love and war and the fellow citizens of UAE indulge expertly in both.
The Road Ahead
We have a ways to go, but we shall see it go all the way. Come 2028, people across the globe will be able to experience the sport of bull riding on prime-time television. No more commercials limited to Monster Energy and Jack Link’s. Those loyal to the PBR channel can now experience those goofy dancing bears in the Charmin commercials, Jake from State Farm, and even the commercials that warn you of a tragic fate in the form of a pill to subdue allergies. Yes, it will be a grueling for years of pressuring the board. Nevertheless, we will all raise a PBR for the PBR in Summer 2028.