Earlier this month, I was blessed to have the opportunity to watch the rides at ‘Pendleton Whisky Velocity Tour’. It was set in beautiful and bright Bridgeport, CT. I was beyond fortunate enough to be a faraway thought during the times of the Industrial Revolution. That being said, it seems like they started that revolution in Bridgeport and forgot to finish it. It took a bottle of Pendleton to help me forget where I was long enough for me to enjoy the show.
After wading our way through the smog, we arrived at our destination: Total Mortgage Arena. Coming from someone who will financially never be able to own a home and have a mortgage, it was nice to be in an arena associated with a crippling monthly payment. If anyone from the Bridgeport area can read, I apologize for mopping the floor with your city. I do appreciate you all taking the night off from actively trying to beat St. Louis, MO for being the most dangerous city in America. Well, long enough for me to watch some top-notch bull riding at least. In no certain order, these are my favorite rides of the night.
Wesley Goncalves – ‘Fit To Be Tied’
The first ride that caught my eye was unfortunately a rider that never tasted the sweet victory 8 full seconds has to offer. Wesley experienced a fate much more ‘removing’. The second he was bucked and hit the dirt, I didn’t just know. I felt. He ran off holding his arm in the only way one would when they’ve completely dislocated their shoulder. My heart goes out to you, brother. I’ll tell you the same thing middle-aged white men seem to cherish telling me, “It’ll nevah be the same.”
Marcelo Procopio Pereira - 'Double Down'
Marcelo had the second most successful run with a ‘Double Down’, right behind KFC’s run with it, of course. If anything, he doubled down on how hard that bull bucked him to the dirt. It was the type of fall that brought you back to your childhood when the wind got knocked out of you. That desperate, longing gasp for air that made you wish you had left a note to your parents asking to bury you with your favorite Lego. For Marcelo, I’m doubling down that it was a Lego Millenium Falcon.
Hunter Ball - 'Juicy Fruit'
Watching Hunter ball out on the back of this bull named ‘Juicy Fruit’ was truly a spectacle. I felt like a disgruntled French bourgeoisie getting their rocks off watching a public execution. The anticipation was unbearable for those 8 seconds, and after the cheers and applause for the success of it, we were all ready for the next. Hunter was the executioner here. He came out on top that night with a score of 84. He chewed up ‘Juicy Fruit’ and spit the poor bull out. A castration of manhood for a symbol of manliness.
Wyatt Rogers - 'Ice Box' & 'Air Marshall'
Synonymous with the familiar acronym G.O.A.T., Wyatt Rogers came down from PBR’s ‘Unleash the Beast’ to take some riders to school. While he might not have come out on top that weekend, he earned something much more valuable: their respect. He gave these riders something high school dropouts don’t have and can’t pass: class. Off the dirt, this PBR Challenger Series Champion was behind the scenes taking interviews, posing for pictures with families, and signing the only autograph those kids will ever truly cherish.
Andrew Stutzman - 'Nighttime Crime'
Hailing from New Philidelphia, OH, this rider was dubbed what I found to be the most incredulous description of a rider yet. Andrew had every right to run up to that booth and palm that announcer. ‘Lawn Dart’ is the last thing a rider would want to be called, especially when they came off the back of the bull and landed on their head exactly like a lawn dart. Ironic bull name, too. A guy from New Philly should be on a bull called ‘Nighttime is Fine’. 2018 Super Bowl Nick Foles on that bull is a different Philly story.
João Paulo Fernandes - 'Armageddon'
The last ride of the night was by no means a swan song. If this were a Disney movie, João Paulo would have been bucked off the bull clocking in with a 7.98s, just tragically missing his mark to secure glory, fame, and a delicious paycheck that of course means nothing to the Disney star. He would then realize it was never about any of that. It was the friends he made along the way with a few heater soundtracks sprinkled throughout that really mattered. After his catharsis is complete, the misshaped judge with three teeth and horsehoe of long cut in would throw the red flag and review the ride, ultimately leading to João Paulo’s last second, nail-biting, glorious victory.
But it’s not a Disney movie. In fact, it rarely is. João Paulo was thrown to the ground with enough force to knock a hippo over. The stretcher was brought out shortly after, but like the rockstar he is, João was still trying to get back up. After the stadium became one with Joel Osteen in prayer, they announced he was alright, and we rejoiced. All that was missing was a catchy children’s song.
All In All
Every rider, regardless of whether they rode that night, showed up and offered their own flair and style to the sport that I greatly admired. Like I said, these were the rides I enjoyed the most that night in no particular order. As much as I am green with envy in terms of their toughness and guts, I am just as equally stunned that they do this over and over again. It is a grueling lifestyle, and while I crack jokes at the expense of these guys, it really is laudable. That’s enough of the glaze, though.