**NOT PHOTOSHOPPED/EDITED**
It’s true. They did let me bring a ruby grapefruit white claw to the top of whatever National Park it is that John Muir commissioned. And yes, that thin black line around me is just an accouterment of the sweatshirt I’m wearing. I am perched and perilously close to a black out on the top of a mountain in Colorado (hopefully). Why Colorado, you ask? Because we have officially become groupies – in the ‘Centennial State’ no less.
Just a measly 25hr drive from the ‘Empire State’, Colorado will become our new stomping grounds for the month. Our decision to drive out there is directly predicated upon excess packing, our love for sightseeing, and not at all finances. If we could have taken the PJ with some champagne, we still would have passed. I don’t want the ‘2013 Taste of Diamonds’ in a chilled glass. I want the $6.99 ‘Andre’ in a brown paper bag going 97 mph through Kansas. A professional pilot to get us there in 2 hours? No thanks. I prefer Cangro driving with his own paper-bagged ‘Andre’.
The Itinerary
First Stop - a N.J. WAWA
It’s not that I’ve never been, but what better way to kick off a multi-day drive than with the mecca of rest stops. The gas, the food, the company. It’s exquisite. They don’t post a ‘no loitering’ sign outside. Why? Cause they’re fucking cool. The people that hang outside a Wawa aren’t smoking weed and doing ollies. They’re homeless businessmen wheeling and dealing while enjoying more lines than a seersucker suit could ever fashion. And it’s all encouraged. One fresh hoagie, please.
Second Stop - Columbus, Ohio Escape Room
What better way to get some R&R after a long trip than room that challenges you mentally and emotionally. I figured if we could escape this after a 9hr drive, we can certainly survive a hungry mountain lion unarmed. When we inevitably get lost in the deep mountains, we are going to need to have the experience an escape room offers to detect the stealth of a mountain lion that just woke up and sniffs out the cheap Nautica cologne I am wearing. I found the button that opens the next room in the tank of a toilet, I am betting I can find the weak spot of this predator. Plus, what else is there to do in Ohio.
Third Stop - St. Louis, MO
This will be our overnight stop. Instead of sleeping, however, we are going to roam the streets and rightfully earn our ‘I survived a night in St. Louis’ shirts. Come sunrise after our version of The Purge is up, we will celebrate with a St. Louis delicacy: the toasted ravioli. I’ve heard only good things about the Gateway City centric dish. Those meat-filled pillows are the only way to truly enjoy the city before hopping back in the car for the rest of our 14hr drive. Time zones will be the enemy here.
Last Stop - Dodge City, Kansas
Our final stop before reaching the homeland will be here. We will enjoy a nice lunch at Dodge City Brewery, and then head over to Boot Hill Distillery to test our hollow legs. If we are lucky, the cops out West also believe that you can’t get a DUI when the sun is out. We will then put it all on black at the Boot Hill Casino and Resort. Afterwards, with bloodshot eyes and empty pockets, I’ll say with a proud, jovial grin spread across my face, “Let’s get the hell out of Dodge.”
Destination - Colorado Springs, CO
We’ve ate, we’ve escaped, we’ve survived, and we’ve cliched our way into beautiful Colorado Springs. All that’s left to do is soak up some sun, hike some hikes, and make the most out of the bull riding out West. Also, I think The Neville burned down.
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