Anything > Employment
In today’s world of hustle and bustle, there is really only one subset of people amongst us that are truly the wealthiest: the unemployed. Your economics teacher might have tried to cushion the blow by calling it frictional unemployment, or ‘in-between’ jobs. Don’t let that overpriced Columbia degree fool you. Friction is only good for getting a fire started, and ‘in-between’ jobs is a euphemism for unemployed.
They are the wealthiest because they possess something not even my Apple Watch SE possesses for more than 30 hours consecutively: time. Waking up at 10am? Don’t worry! The last person to call you will be a boss. Deadlines? The only ‘deadline’ you’re worried about is the one cut with fentanyl. Commute to work? There is a 15 minute back up on the stairs due to a hangover and overturned stomach on your way from your bed to the couch.
With all this time comes the opportunity to maybe learn a new language, pick up a new hobby, or unsuccessfully begin an OnlyFans. One catered to an extremely niche audience, of course. OR you can do exactly what I did while I was ‘in-between’ jobs – go explore abandoned buildings. This is a day in my life. Can you stay happy?
Hit The Snooze Again
The alarm sounds off. Tyler Perry’s Madea scolds you to get up or regret. You reach to the phone next to your head. Does this cause brain damage? You shrug the important thought off and hit snooze for the 3rd time. Quickly, you slip back into the dream where you are a floating in a lake next to a dock. There is a wedding happening about 5ft from you, and you are surrounded by people you haven’t had a single thought of in over a decade. As you float next to the dock, you desperately try and convince all the party goers that you’re not afraid of what is under you in the lake, even if it is a shark. Inside, you are terrified.
The alarm goes off for a 4th time. It has been 3 minutes, and you just witnessed a beautiful wedding on a dock from a pool noodle in a lake. You think about hitting the snooze again, but the voice of Mel Robbins tugs at your hippocampus. “5 seconds! That’s all it takes!” 5-4-3-2-1. You pop out of bed and curse yourself for ever indulging in that self-help New York Times Bestseller. A heavy, alcohol-stained sigh is heaved, and your start your early morning (9:30am).
Get Out of Bed
The alarm sounds off for the first time this morning. You silently thank Steve Jobs for creating an alarm equivalent to the shrill of a thousand banshees. How else would you ever have woken up! Chipper and ready to tackle whatever problems life throws at you (except employment), you head on downstairs.
Your stomach grumbles, and you wonder if it’s all those tequila sodas fighting back, or if you’re truly just hungry. An eggs benedict on an English muffin with some hollandaise sounds nice. You open the fridge and are immediately greeted with the 4 most disgusting letters ever strung together in the English language. S-T-E-W.
Make Breakfast
“Maybe I can save this with some seasoning.” You reach into the fridge and pull out the most generic crockpot that Bed, Bath, and Beyond offers and scoop some out. The tequila begins to slowly creep up into your throat, but all of Hell’s Kitchen calls you the ‘throat goat’ and you manage to keep it down out of pride in your title. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, after all.
You sit down and turn on the TV. “Yes! Impractical Jokers!” you say to no one. You’ve seen this episode 8 times before. SO much better with Joe, you think you to yourself as you swallow your first bite. Uh-oh. You run to the bathroom and vomit up exactly what you just swallowed. Too much paprika. Defeatedly, you climb back into bed and hope for a better tomorrow.
Skip Breakfast
“I’d rather turn blue.” You slam the fridge door shut. A smile grows across your face when you realize maybe this is the day you begin intermittent fasting. A quick text to your friend and a plan is stewi-… cooking.
Your phone lights up and you graciously look upon a blue text bubble. “There is this cool place called the ‘Pines Resort’, we should check it out. You ponder over how to respond to such a cool and icy text. Eventually, “forsure” is the best you can conjure. Can’t seem to desperate. With all the time you saved by not eating breakfast, or looking for a job, you now have time for this! Now how do we get there?
Take His Car
“We can take my car. I’ll leave in 5,” he texts you. You hop in and are immediately greeted by a blood curdling scream. Slipknot again?! The destination is over an hour away, and you two gear up for a car ride of jests, tomfoolery, and double-entendres. However, the hangover starts to kick in a little more. Within seconds, you’re fast asleep, and you are one bad snore away from your tongue becoming lodged in your throat.
“Wow that flew by!” You let out a nice large stretch. The GPS reads 5 minutes away. The scenery around you is nothing like you have ever seen, and in the worst way possible. The only thing missing in this single-family owned town is a ye olde general store. The urge to get a job to avoid this type of life creeps in. Luckily, you suppress that urge just long enough for you to arrive. ‘No trespassing’ and ‘violators will be prosecuted’ signs litter the ground. “Where should we park?” You sound rested.
Take Your Car
“We can take my Volvo. I’ll leave in 5,” you text him. You hop in the V90, plug your phone into the cassette type aux, and queue up some Green Day. The sweltering heat that now envelopes September prompts you to turn the AC on. Maybe Al Gore has a point. I mean it is really hot out. Could Greta Th-, a sudden grinding noise followed by a complete shutdown of your car interrupts your progressive thoughts.
What were you thinking! Your 1997 Volvo can’t use AC! The car stops working if you turn it on! Sheepishly, you text your friend, “Actually we should take your car. Better mileage.”
Ask Mom
“Get a job and/or life,” she snaps.
Park Close
The spot right next to the gate looks open and convenient. You close your eyes. That way, you will be able to plead ignorance to the warning signs under oath in a court of law. He pulls the car up and you hear a snap. I know that sound from anywhere. That is a Perimeter Trip Alarm! Probably 12 gauge! Maybe 3 x 1 x 1.5in, too! Within seconds, the sheriff is right behind us. Being that the last crime was a turd in the town well, it is clear the sheriff is in over his head.
He unleashes a hail of bullets into the car. Clearly terrified, you see him turn the gun on himself. This will certainly change this town forever and for the worse. Riddled with metal and both on your last breath, you manage one last, “we should have started a podcast.” You slowly fade into oblivion.
You’re in a blank white room. The Cocomelon theme songs begins. The only thing around you are newspaper ads for jobs. You’ve reached Hell.
Park Far
You park far away on a hill, just out of sight from any law enforcement. The both of you laugh about how the sheriff would handle a situation like this. As you stand on the hill, you admire the beautiful disgust of it all. The broken windows. The graffitied walls. The clear instability of it. You can’t wait to get inside and explore what novelties lie ahead. As you reach the entrance, you notice the path bifurcates. There is one leading up and one leading down. Both of you argue about which way to go. “The movie ‘Up’ is much superior to the movie ‘Down’,” you claim. “They even had to rename it ‘The Shaft’. I’m not taking the shaft!
Go Down
Cleverly, your friend leans on the fact Naomi Watts starred in ‘Down’. Being the stan you are, you can’t say no. “She was better in ‘Vice’ though,” you grumble to yourself. You both proceed down into a gorgeous ballroom. He snaps some great photos of the place, but something feels off to you. Dust has been kicked around. The room is set up like there is a party tonight. There isn’t a hair out of place in this ballroom. It almost looks too neat. Without any of the athleticism or charm of Spider-Man, you sense something is wrong. He begins to walk over into the next room.
Proceed Up
After debating for a bit, you both decide to go up. You won him over by putting emphasis on how touching the beginning of ‘Up’ is. You lead the way up a couple flights of stairs and into a hallway/skybridge. FWOOOMSH. The floor just gave away and gravity has procured you. SMACK.
You wake up in agonizing pain. Last thing you remember is a crunch on the ground. It’s loud where you are, and people are frantically working on the lower half of your body. You look down and your legs resemble a couple of poorly eaten chicken wings. Still in a pain-fueled daze, you realize you are being airlifted to a hospital. Wait, I’m in between jobs. Horrified, you muster up enough strength to pull yourself straight out of the helicopter, a servant of gravity once more. This time, for good.
The only thing worse than death? American hospital bills.
Follow Him
“Hey man, I don’t know about tHIs oNe,” your voice cracks. “Don’tbe a p***y, cmon.” “You are what you e-,” you begin to quip, but then you get all sad. It’s not true.
You follow him down the dark corridor. It smells like laundry left in the wash for too long, but you’re not too sure. It’s hard to tell since the shirt you are wearing was also left in the wash for too long. You continue down, and, like a couple of video game characters, are met by a homeless man for a boss battle. Music fades in as the monstrosity of a man turns towards us. The belt is still tightly wrapped around his bicep, needle still in his arm. Too much of an inconvenience to remove, of course.
His wild eyes fixate on us, and he charges. The music crescendos and I know the end is nigh. We try to turn and run, but an invisible force field prevents us from escaping. Oh no. Duh! The only way to escape a boss battle is to win or die! He advances towards us with incredible speed. No amount of Looney Tunes antics I have practiced over the years could ever cartoon ourselves out of this one. As fate would have it, we would not win.
Head Back Up
“Hey man, I don’t know about this one,” I say with the confidence and poise of Hercules. He stops, clearly sensing something is wrong as well. After a few seconds, we both turn around and head for ground level. The only thing worse than a home invasion is a crackhome invasion. You lose that fight 10/10 times.
You continue to poke around and check out all the interesting remnants of a once bustling resort. The sun is beginning to set on the day, and on another enthralling adventure. As you head back to the strategically parked car, you turn around for one last appreciative once-over of the place. Maybe one day I’ll write a blog about this. One last Breakfast Club-esq fist pump, and you are both on your way out.
Leave
As you pull away, something still feels off. You shrug it off, convinced it is the lingering feeling of something nefarious down the corridor from earlier. Suddenly, you hear a loud crash behind you. As you peer out the window, you notice the debris of a once expensive Nikon camera plastered all over the road.
He drove away with the camera still on top of the car. The fucking muppet.
Every TedTalk you’ve ever been forced to watch says ‘trust your gut’ and here you are ignoring all 200lbs. of it. Steve Wozniak couldn’t fix that, let alone super glue. You realize without the camera, the sun has set on not just the day, but your adventures for the foreseeable future. Too minty to go to an abandoned building with a friend and no camera. And on that note, you head home, the notion of employment collapsing in on your once jovial mind.
The End.
Really Leave
You pull out of the spot, and without warning, Siri comes over the speakers. “Successful trip, fellas?” she says in her programmed Australian accent. “Hell yeah!” we respond simultaneously. Our route is immediately redirected to the closest Buffalo Wild Wings.
“35 minutes to only go 4 miles?!” You lack the knowledge of commuter traffic.
It’s Thursday. Buy-one-get-one free on boneless wings. A fresh Daniel Jones and the New York Giants are about to get steamrolled by an AFC East team. An unconventionally attractive waitress is intentionally not waiting on your table. You have a Blue Moon – big glass. All is right in the world. You have successfully stayed ‘in-between’ jobs for another day and pray for the chance to have another.
Congratulations, winner!