‘Tis the season! I have worked harder than a right-winged Dad trying to accept his son’s homosexuality to make sure that our podcast is fully functional. Now that it is no longer a cacophonous mess of cats being tumbled in the first dryer “Sears” ever sold, I can come back to my passion: blogging. And by blogging, I mean shouting into a literary void. And what better time than the holidays to try and spread some Christmas cheer.
I would have written a “Top 5 Thanksgiving Dishes” post and spent the whole time shitting on turkey, but I think we’ve all seen enough of those. Ergo, I decided to get back into a diffrent ‘oldie, but a goodie’. I want to go through the top 5 best Christmas movies in my humbled opinion. Cangro spent a whole podcast episode mad dogging The Polar Express. While I don’t entirely agree with his takes, you can be damn sure it’s not landing top 5.
Honorable Mention: Every Hallmark Christmas Movie Ever
Ladies. Looking for the same three female leads rotated out like hotel patrons through a revolving door? Not feeling like the girlboss/SheEO/herstory expert like you usually do? In desperate need of some of the most devilishly handsome men to bless a small country town of 23 people? Well, look no further! The Hallmark channel is willing to churn one of these bad boys out once a week for your self-loathing, Häagen-Dazs indulging self.
You always know what you’re getting. They’re reliable. They’re beyond predictable, but that’s why we love them. We laugh, we cry, and if we’re lucky, they *** at the same time and then even they cry! Finally, they can now save Peepaws nutcracker-making business that somehow exists in 2024. Hallmark Studio Execs are the rabbits of movie making. They put Mexican families to shame. However, don’t you DARE expect DJ Tanner from Full House to show her bangs in any same-sex films.
#5: Home Alone
The kid who went toe-to-toe with Lindsay Lohan in drug abuse. Legend. And even better, they both came back out on top. Nothing like a little powder then to fuel an enormous comeback now. Some might even call it an investment. Kevin McAlister was the kid we all wanted to be then, and the man we all strive to be now. He was witty, begrudging, and most of all, tactical. Now, a family man with a big heart. I wrestled with this at #5, but it was no doubt making the five.
Home Alone takes a spin on the classic George & Lenny and expertly turns then into Marv and Harry. Right off the bat you know the power dynamic. Kevin was every mom’s nightmare, but who amongst us haven’t wished our parents would “disappear”. He handles business and is arguably the real man of the house. The movie is an adventure that takes us through the angst of a R-rated-movie-loving, ice-cream-eating, independent KING who is way cooler than his cousin Buzz. And keep the change ya filthy animal.
#4: Elf
One of Will Ferrell’s best. His greatest hits will be argued for decades, and throwing a holiday classic in that conversation isn’t out of the question. Even his Wedding Crashers cameo is in the upper echelon of cameos. Elf is a quotable film that is often recited far outside of the Christmas season. James Caan plays the perfect disgruntled father who finds out his slutty past has just caught up with him, and he will now be reaping all that was sown. Does that put Elf in the Die Hard universe?
A tall, gangly elf that finds out he is human through his papa – legend Bob Newhart – and now has to take a journey to New York City to get his real father off of the naughty list? Miles Finch’s notebook doesn’t have shit on that. Plus they throw a little Rudolph clay animation in the beginning to remind everyone of their roots. His unbridled optimism in the face of utter hatred pretty much every 5 minutes of three quarters of the movie is beyond admirable. Elf is #4 because it taught us all the best way to spread Christmas cheer.
#3: Scrooged/Spirited
This is a cheat equivalent to Watergate. I know these are two separate movies. However, they are two separate movies based on a single premise, so suck my Dickens. They are two incredible takes on the original “Scrooge” which has influenced many ideas and spinoffs. Each one has it’s own unique take on three ghosts visiting, but the common ground here – they are two enormously successful and talented actors of this time. I’m not throwing shade at Albert Finney by any means. His ‘Thank you very much’ scene in 1970 still has me off the couch spilling dirt black coffee from shirt to shorts while clicking my heels.
Bill Murray is the classic surly Scrooge as a TV exec still denying love and hiding his insecurities under mounds of wealth and goofier dog costumes than you could find in Times Square. Ryan Reynolds plays a man born to create chaos only to turn a half-a-crown into Bill Gates’ pocket change. Not to mention another Will Ferrell banger. They both have this incredible new take on what it means to regret a life chasing dollars. They both belong at #3 because any version of a changed, cathartic miser is one we should all live by. It’s all cornflakes in the end.
#2: Christmas Vacation
Drum roll please! Would I trade my house for an RV? Would I be less surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to a carpet? Clark Griswold introduced to the world one of the most quotable holiday movies of all time. And while Chevy Chase might be a racist, misogynistic lunatic, he gave us Caddyshack, and he gave us this: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. His single uplifted middle finger is the first time I ever realized it could be used in a derogatory way. Of course, my mother shielded my eyes.
This movie is a timeless classic that TNT or TBS refuses to not play thrice a day once December rolls around. I watch it probably 7x a year. It does not get old. Margo and Todd suck just as much every showing. Cousin Eddie is a rockstar in his own right. Callous and missing half of a chromosome, Cousin Eddie is the fella you want in your corner when you are shorted a Christmas Bonus. Fuck the Jelly of the Month Club. This movie has a special spot in my heart at #2, and always remember, “you can’t see the lines, can you Russ.”
#1: It's a Wonderful Life
Donna Reed. Not sure what more there is to say. This movie has stood the test of time. There is no comedy, romance, or Christmas action flick that could trump It’s a Wonderful Life in my mind. George Bailey is one of us. The starry-eyed kid with the whole world in front of him, but it seems life has different plans. Clarence is a goofy angel I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw him. Mary is the type of woman that quite literally might not exist since the introduction of TikTok. Those two, along with every other character, is perfectly crafted to deliver the best Christmas movie of all time.
Every step along the way, George takes the higher road for lower expectations only to watch all those around fulfill their own dreams. His kid brother Harry, the families spared from Pottersville, and even that “hee-haw” bastard Sam Wainwright. Nevertheless, he smiles, he jokes, and he raises a damn good family. But he wouldn’t be human if none of it ever got to him. This movie teaches us that the bumps and bruises we endure along the way in the favor of others certainly hurt, but it’s all worth it in the end. Things could always be worse, so give this masterpiece #1.
“No man is a failure who has friends.” -Clarence
A Christmas Conclusion
Whether it be a movie on this list, a Christmas movie that holds a special spot in your heart, or a Christmas movie that makes sure you are at least 18 years old before entering, I hope everyone grabs a glass of spiked nog this season, hangs out with their loved ones, and has a very Merry Christmas!