Yanks vs. Sox. Coke vs. Pepsi. Frasier vs. Ali. Rabbit season vs. Duck season. All legendary rivalries, as Jay-Z might put it, debated up in barber shops. However, there is a lesser one not ‘debated up in barber shops’. As a matter of fact, it hasn’t been debated up in anywhere. It isn’t that there is a clear-cut winner of the two. It is simply because Cangro and I might be the only two people in the northern hemisphere that identify with both communities. I say ‘northern’ because God knows what goes on in the Outback down under. I am here to ponder, hypothesize, and work through the conundrum that I haven’t lost a second of sleep over, but thought what could be an entertaining match. A match made in Hell. The bull riding community v. the urbex community – who’s taking the gold?
In This Corner
The Mavericks
The juxtaposition between both is almost tangible. The urbex community thrives on angst, knife tattoos on their wrist, and raging against the machine while listening to Rage Against the Machine. It’s always Halloween in terms of decorations. They don’t care, and they certainly don’t care if you care about them not caring. They’ve known how to skateboard as long as you’ve known how breastfeed. You were learning cursive while they were covering their mouths with a handkerchief. Why? Because spray cans give off bad air or something like that. They’re rebels. Ne’er-do-wells. They don’t give a fuck about winning, and that’s exactly why they might just win.
The Proud
No fist, knife, or semi-automatic weapon could spook them away from a tussle. The bull riding community is proud to be exactly who they are and haven’t once thought twice about changing who they are for other people. They don’t take anything sitting down, especially a handshake. They are American head to toe and literally take the bull by the horns. My suburban upbringing has only led to me to verbal quarrels, but I know better than to chirp a man in a shirt with an American flag punisher skull on it. This community won’t go down without a fight. They are the ones who get up after the fight. If I have learned anything from WorldStar, it is that a headbutt is not out of the question. Losing is not in their deck of cards.
The Contenders
I am nominating two people of the extremes within each community. In the left corner, we will have the love child between John Wayne and Hulk Hogan. Good size, luscious blonde hair flowing out from an American flag bandana, and the just the right amount of western grit necessary – true grit. There will be no Jeff Bridges remake either.
In the right corner, we will have a caricature of anarchy similar to Rodrick Heffley in Diary of a Wimpy Kid. While lanky, he’s crafty. You might even say squirrely. There’s always a blade with him, he hates his parents who love him dearly, and he’s willing to risk everything. The thick coating of mucus that lines his tissues have been replaced with alkyds and acrylics. He will probably lose everything soon, but that means he has nothing to lose.
And the Winner is ...
Well… that is up to you to decide. Which corner do you want to be in? This is your life, your imagination, and it’s up to you to paint the scene. I wouldn’t dare rob you of what has now become yours. I’m no monster and certainly no thief. Make of this all that you can, whether it be in your mind, or you somehow know two people that perfectly fit these descriptions. If so, can I please help set it up?