Inside every goodbye to vacation is a healthy amount of good. Anytime you leave anywhere, you should be a little sad. That simply means you made it all worth it! And if you aren’t sad? Be ashamed. You squandered your opportunities to enjoy what little life you decided to let yourself have. There is no ‘undo’ tab. No reset button, zero extra life, and you’re sure as hell not a cat. Congratulations! The world will just keep spinning, whether you enjoyed anything at all ever.
I’m just kidding. That’s harsh. You’re probably just a well-adjusted person who knows to enjoy what’s next, and to smile because it happened.
I was no doubt a little sad leaving our humble abode. I mean I slept in a bedroom with a TV in it. Of course I’m going to hold back the waterworks. The McAvoy Dam holding back a plethora of tears probably would have broken if I had known what was in store for us. However, those tears wouldn’t have been for us. They would have been for Cangro’s beloved Kia Optima that got us this far. The one good thing to come out of 2020. A real road warrior. Bumps and bruises, but absolutely no bailing. This is how our Clark Griswold road trip back to the Empire State went.
First Line of Defense
We were leaving with our defenses already weakened. A few weeks back Cangro’s windshield fell under attack. He had just found out some great news. Naturally, regression to the means had to make it right. Shortly thereafter a little rock came and chipped his windshield a bit. Charlie said, “Hey don’t sweat it, it happens so often it’s not even worth getting fixed.” Duly noted, Charles. Clearly not satisfied, the Big Man upstairs sent a nice little crack across the entire windshield, the epicenter being that small chip. When it rains it pours. The bad juju, karma, vibes, or luck – whatever you would like to call it – finally dissipated. May 24th rolled around, and it was time to hit the road.
Kansas State Blue
God bless everyone from the state of Kansas. I don’t know how the fuck you do it. Where do you get your groceries? What bar do you watch sports at? Not even a Dave & Buster’s? I mean there is whole lotta NOTHING happening for miles upon miles in Kansas. We pulled up to a gas station with a shower in the men’s bathroom. C’mon guys. Also, steer clear of the gas station kangaroo jerky. Good chance that was the right shoulder of the last cashier that worked there.
Don’t get me wrong, though. Kansas was a gorgeous state to drive through as the sun rose. It’s picturesque and really gives you a glimpse as to why these farmers get up at the break of dawn. For the sunrise, of course. Not to provide the freshest, most pure sustenance for the rest of our country. The bright red and orange mixing with the black and blue of the night was truly breathtaking.
Then, at 87 in a 75, there was a bit more red and blue mixing together. Before I knew it, I was reaching in the glove compartment for the gu-registration. The officer strutted right up to the Kia. Call it a mustache but I thought he had a little breakfast leftover on his lip. The officer was incredibly nice, but when he asked where we were going, I said, “Cassville, Missouri for a bull riding event.” It was at that moment I thought I had goofed us. But then he responds, “Y’all riders?” The silent dialogue I have in my head at all moments scoffed with pride coupled with disbelief. All in all, the hero Genesis let me off on a written warning I didn’t deserve. I am forever indebted to that great man.
All Hail Baseball
I mean all baseball hail. I’ve only heard about these storms. As a kid, I always wondered what it would be like to experience a tornado or a flood or any natural disaster. Not that I ever wanted one, but I was impressed with those who had seen one and lived to tell the tale. Then I almost slept through one.
We woke up in a seedy hotel at around 2:30am to the sound of crackling throughout the building. My immediate thought was a fire. It sounded like the welcoming crackle of the yuletide channel while the family sips spiked eggnog, decorates the Christmas tree, and enjoys a little Bing Crosby during a white winter storm. Upon a further 2-second investigation, it still seemed incredibly dark in the room. That is until we opened the blinds and the wrath of God was raining down upon everyone’s cars in the lot.
As I said before, baseball hail. In the video below, a bit to the left, you can see the car’s back window already shattered from the hail. Say someone did sleep through one. And say they did wake up with a broken rearview windshield. They would have zero evidence of a crime committed. The hail would have melted long before, and this person would have forever asked themselves the burning question, “Why my Honda Accord?”
All About the Journey
We made it out Cassville alive. The Kia looked like it was parked in the middle of a driving range, but it survived with only some bumps and bruises. We dipped into Arkansas for the hell of it. Along the way down is where the real devastation occurred. These poor people’s lives uprooted. I guess if you’re born there, you don’t know much else. They’re resilient and have adapted to this way of life. I couldn’t do the same.
From there, the Kia made a strong push back to New York. Grab a ‘Casey’s’ coffee if you have the chance, and if anyone tells you that you can only pay for your gas inside of the store, they are just missing brain cells. Our Clark Griswold cross-country trip was nothing short of caffeine, cheap food, and many, many laughs. No matter the length, any car ride is fun with the right people. Find those people.